Firstly let's distinguish between a consequence and a punishment:
A punishment is a fear-based strategy to put a stop to a behaviour. You use the threat of taking away something that is important to the child, or implementing something unpleasant for them to experience.
A consequence occurs as a result of a behaviour.
Using punishments will definitely stop that specific behaviour, but as they do not resolve the root cause you will see a different behaviour pop up to replace the first. The child's need has not been met, therefore it is still an issue for them and they will continue to communicate this to you through their actions.
So, what should you do? You can't allow your child to behaviour in unsafe or unkind ways - but if punishment doesn't work, what's left?
There are two types of consequence that are really effective when guiding children to consider and reflect on their behaviour.
Natural Consequences
Logical Consequences
Child looking longingly at large jars of sweets whilst holding a rainbow coloured lollipop.
To explain the difference I will give you the following scenario:
Your child asks for some more sweets, you say 'no, one packet is enough', they take the sweets and eat them anyway.
A natural consequence is something that happens naturally as a result of the behaviour. In this scenario your child may feel sick, this is often consequence enough to help them learn that too many sweet is actually not a nice experience.
A logical consequence would be you telling your child (and following through - sometimes easier than done!) that because they took extra sweets, they will miss out next time sweets are available. This is a direct link from taking sweets -> missing out on sweets. If you were to say the consequence is no TV for a week, there is direct link between the behaviour and so it is harder for the child to make a meaningful connection between the two, and remember it.
If your child behaves in a way that leaves you feeling a consequence is required, take a look at the situation - there may already be a natural one in place (feeling sick, trust broken in a relationship, feelings of guilt) and if you want to implement something, make it logical, whilst also seeking the underlying emotional need that fuelled the behaviour in the first place. It is our responsibility to hold children accountable to their actions, however it is also our responsibility to remember that their brains are not yet fully developed and they are still learning how to interact with others.
Comments